Ted Wants ______ ~ Deloitte Consulting Forum

Manager Joined: 08 Mar 2007 Posts: 32

Ted Wants ______
Author: mensamember
Category: General Debauchery On the Road
Publish Date: Mon, 07 May 2007 03:09:51 +0000

FACT: When a Ted jet lifts off, the runway has an orgasm thinking about all those passengers simultaneously getting fucked.

I flew Ted recently. With no first class section, Ted is a sorry joke, a sort of place where former Southwest cult members find gainful employment if they lose their spirit to live. It is a known quirk of the airline industry that Ted flight attendants are selected for their ability to transpose their soul into Ted's and speak of themselves in the third person. They speak through permanent smiles painted on gritted teeth that hide a deep self-loathing. "Ted wants you to be comfortable, but Ted doesn't have a lot of pillows."

GDIFC draws criticism for occasional exaggeration, but what I am about to tell you is completely true. My stewardess (- yes), quite flustered after a bag jamming session, actually blurted out, "Ted wants you to be safe, but Ted will check your bag if Ted cannot close Ted's overhead bins." Pardon? I can only posit that her robotic nights in dark hotels sound something like, "Ted wants me to feel pleasure. Ted is touching my voluble skin. Ted, you're so dirty from your quick turnaround service."

Ted gate agents are spineless muppets; they refuse to chastise the quintessential seating area 2 idiot who tries to board with the professionals. When it inevitably happens, the Ted agent is confused and convinced the error is their own. They wipe away their drool, put their plastic smile back on the horn, and after the pause of confusion they utter, "Ted is now boarding seating area 2."

Ted wants you to respect my 1K status, you son of a bitch.

I can look at a Ted passenger and see into their soul, always confirmed by a sideways glance at their boarding pass. Let us play Guess the Seating Area.

What I See

Black jacket with a speedboat embroidered on the back, or denim on top and bottom

Seating Area

F (they are boarding the wrong plane)

What I can Reasonably Infer

There is indoor furniture on their front lawn

Please silence that prattling blond on the Ted safety briefing video. I demand evidence to support any of your arcane safety procedures. Let us first come to the issue of the tray table and its celebrated "stowed and locked position". Pray tell, before modern tray table controls, were frequent flyers frequently found impaled on tray tables? And what of the off-switch gestapo? "Rough landing? I am dreadfully sorry, fellow passengers. This is all my fault, I foolishly left my Blackberry on."

Ted, I abhor you so much that I have decided to re-caption your safety briefing card.

Ask yourself, "Water 'landing'? Or is this a water crash?"

Borat is a buffoon: "I remove emergency exit, yeeees."

In the event of a water landing, do not bring your briefcase. Although surrounded by water and a burning airframe, smoking is still prohibited.

Man: "I feel dirty when I demonstrate this on the safety video."

Stop. This radio is too large.

"We must be flying Ted, for this is strangely familiar."

Sanjay will exit the plane by melting the glass with his laser vision.

If traveling with an adult dwarf, put on your oxygen mask before assisting the dwarf.